I was walking outside of the house as I gazed at the sky and as always praised God. My heart was constricted for the past few months, and I have never experienced such doubts before. I can't sleep, I can't eat. Nothing else makes sense. Nothing else. Everyone is against me, all my old friends hate me for becoming Muslim, my family hates me for abandoning Christianity. Why do they? Only cause I worship God and God alone? I walk down by the river and look at the flowing water. It is so dark. I can't see anything in it. I gaze at the sky again as in looking for a sign. What should I do? I hate drinking, I hate the bars, I hate this life style, and I can't believe that people call themselves good Christians and live like this. Did I do a mistake becoming Muslim? Should have I stayed Christian? Should I just give my sins free fall and just say that Jesus died for them? A fast thought crosses my mind as a flash: maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should just be like the water and go with the flow. Why am I trying to swim against the flow? Everyone seems to move that way. My heart skips a beat and I feel like my throat is itching.
Jesus is God I said. I can't believe it but I said it. Did I just exit Islam? What should I do next? Should I go to a club? Pick up a girl? Tell my family, they would surely love it. It was the night before that I was at the threshold of my doubts. And I still can't explain where these doubts are coming from. But it's ok now. For the first time in months my heart feels better. It's like I don't care anymore. I was brought up this way anyhow, why am I trying to swim against the flow. As I walk down the street I think of all the things that I can do now that I'm free. And all of a sudden I realize that it's for real: I just gave up Islam, and I don't really know for what, but I'm tired of swimming against the flow. 10 years of my live in Islam, and here I am back where I came from, returning home. I feel careless, I feel good.
As I'm sitting on the beach observing the tides dying on the shore, beating on the sand, while little children try to catch them with so much hope, I loose myself in remembering my life before Islam. I almost want to erase the 10 years that have passed. My thoughts are shattered by looking at the children again. Even though they can't catch the waves they still try, and every time they fail, they get up again and go for it with new hopes as if they are just starting. I stand up and pick up my blanket and walk towards the street. I gaze at the sky as usually and my eyesight leaves me for a split second. My heart begins to pound, and my body begins to shake. The children with new hopes as if they are just starting. My throat is dry and my lips are chapped. All of a sudden as if I have never heard it in my life, the call to prayer resounds from the minaret of the mosque. God is Greater, God is Greater. I bear witness that there no God but God. My feel begin moving under me, and make a 180 turn and head straight for the water. It's as if I have no control over them, and why would I want to control them, I know exactly where they are taking me. The intention runs deep in my veins. In seconds I'm in and out, all wet, heading towards the call. I go up the stairs as water is still liking from my body. I join the row and as if being placed in paradise I put my forehead to the ground with the brothers and I sit and while raising my index finger I say LA ILAHA IL ALLAH.
What just happened? Was it a dream. I gaze at the sky again and it's as clear as always. LA ILAHA IL ALALH. It was always this one statement that made more sense than anything in my life. LA ILAHA IL ALLAH the only thing worth living for. I feel like a child trying to catch a wave, I almost want to go back across the street to join them in catching one. I'll give them hope at least. What a thought? Let's do it! I can see them from here. I rush across the street while the sun is beating me from behind, and then no more. I can't feel the sun anymore, I can't see the children anymore, and slowly the sounds are fading away. I feel tired, yet I feel very relaxed. There is no pain. A car's horn is resounding in the background and slowly fading away, but it does not bother me. It looks like an accident, I hope that person is ok. Why can't I move? Where are the children? Where is the sun? I can't hear anything. My heart is slowly fading away, and with a last breath: LA ILAHA IL ALLAH, MUHAMMADAN RASUL ALLAH.